Marcus “Tyrannus” Paella, Obersturmfuhrer and trailer owner
The U.S. Justice Department has long
considered central Florida a hotbed for white supremacist recruiting. A
spokesman for the FBI, Corporal Robert ‘Bat’ Guano, stated that “We keep
a close eye on central and northwest Florida because of the low average
IQ of its citizenry. It’s really easy for a charismatic leader to
convince these idiots that all sorts of weird conspiracy theories are
actually true. They actually believe what they hear from Fox News
pundits and Tea Party candidates. Combine that with the native
population’s hatred of minorities and love of firearms and you have a
volatile combination.”
Over the weekend FBI and ATF agents posed as
rodeo clowns in an operation code-named “Roundup” that took place at a
barbecue and picnic held at the American Front HQ in rural Osceola
County. The headquarters consists of a modified 1986 vintage mobile home
and an above ground swimming pool (stocked with catfish) resting at the
center of around ten acres of partially wooded property.
Christopher “Scrotum Face” Brooks
The agents cleverly ingratiated themselves
by entertaining kids at the event while the adults were attending
mandatory automatic-weapons drills and a grenade-toss contest. The
miscreant offspring were treated to traditional Cretonian children’s
games such as “pin the crime on the nigger,” “kick the Jew into the
minefield,” and “beat on the fag with a baseball bat.”
After a laid back afternoon of barbecue,
draft beer, and plotting the overthrow of the U.S. government, the group
members were surprised to learn the clowns they had hired to entertain
the kiddies were actually highly trained undercover agents from the FBI,
DEA, and ATF.
“We certainly did surprise them,” said
Special Agent Matt Helm, of the Orlando Field Office of the FBI. “We
recovered AK-47’s, grenades, night vision equipment, and a lab
apparently set up to manufacture the nerve agent ricin, among other
things.” Agent Helm was quick to point out that there was no threat of a
chemical weapons stockpile in the area because all the group had
managed to manufacture so far was a particularly impure batch of
methamphetamine.
Richard “Swamp Nazi” Stockdale
Local law enforcement officials were not
surprised at the haul of illegal weapons and drugs. They have expressed
concerns about the group and had plans to infiltrate it. However, they
have been consistently thwarted by county and state elected officials
who depend on under-the-table cash donations from the American Front and
other right-wing groups for both their campaigns and vacations to
Bangkok. It seems the Justice Department had to get involved to get
anything done, as is so often the case in Florida.
Arrested were Marcus and Patricia Faella,
Christopher Brooks, Richard Stockdale, Kent McLellan, Diane Stevens, and
ten other group members. They have been charged with a wide variety of
crimes ranging from plotting to overthrow the federal government to
bestiality involving unwilling miniature goats.
Diane “Hepatitis C” Stevens
According to court documents the group had
planned to cause “some kind of disturbance” at the Orlando city hall
building, and were also looking forward to the yearly counter-protest of
May Day activities this spring.
The property on which the American Front
headquarters stands was found to be honey-combed with mysterious tunnels
leading nowhere. Sandbags and railroad ties were stacked in defensive
positions around the trailer and swimming pool area. The trailer itself
was riddled with holes caused by inaccurate machine gun fire from the
mandatory weapons training sessions. There were also gaping holes in the
walls of the trailer that authorities believe are meant to be rifle
ports but could just be caused by rats.
Marcus and Patricia Faella were released
after posting one million dollars bond. As is usually the case, their
henchmen were left to rot in jail.
Editor’s Note: This article was
reprinted from January 8th of this year because I am feeling too damn
lazy to write today. Besides, I have to repair a leaky toilet before it
falls into the crawlspace and releases hundreds of giant hostile
scorpions from the depths. I have not bothered to check on the status of
any of these morons, but knowing Florida they are probably still
walking around free and are planning on hopping the next Greyhound to
Murphy-if they can read, that is.
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